He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
