have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Semen is not good for contacts.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We need to get me chipped asap