Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.