just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
