Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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