Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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