You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
