Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
