Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
