I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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