He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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