Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
