I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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