Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
