The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
