Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Randomize
