cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
