he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
