we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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