just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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