Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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