I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
