so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
