I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
