I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
