i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
