dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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