This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
