You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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