I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
