Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
