yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
