my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
