You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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