You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
