12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
