What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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