dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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