Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
