The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So gin and wine won't be happening again
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
