I am midnight drunk by noon
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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