Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
