i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
