In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
