That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
