I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
