Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
