we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
