she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
