we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
