Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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