I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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