So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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