i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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