if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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