Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
